“An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”
–Gandhi
I am facilitating a module in my Empowerment Mentoring program on forgiveness. It made me wonder what forgiveness has to do with leadership. As a Christian, the first thing that came to mind was the Bible verse, Matthew 5:44; Love your enemies, do good to those who hurt you. Bless those who bless you. Pray for someone who mistreats you! If you were hit, turn the other cheek. Did someone take your jacket? Go ahead and give them your shirt. Give to everyone who asks, expecting nothing in return. (my paraphrase)
Do unto others as you would have them do to you. Wasn’t it do unto others before they do it to you? Just kidding.
There are times when I want to throttle those who hurt me. Pray for them? Turn the other cheek? Forgive them? Those are often the furthest things from my mind. But…who actually suffers if I hold on to the hurt? How easy is it for me to do an excellent job at work when I am running “I shoulda said, she’s so mean, I can’t believe he did that, that was so rude, why I oughta” thoughts around my head like a horse running circles in a corral? Holding onto this hurt and/or planning revenge just eats me up inside. I am the one who suffers. Many times, the offending person has no idea they have hurt me, either! It was my perception.
When I choose to forgive, I unleash the power of love into the relationship. Forgiveness breaks down that awkward barrier that drives a wedge of mistrust between people. As a leader, modeling forgiveness encourages creativity, risk-taking and the same merciful behavior in my staff, as well.
I think that asking for forgiveness from someone is even more powerful. Last week, a staff member came into my office and brought up an issue that we had previously discussed ad nauseam and had found a solution. I thought it was over—I didn’t want to talk about it again. I was in the middle of something else and had a deadline to meet within the hour. Needless to say, I wasn’t a very good listener, and after the conversation, I had the sense that I had been short with her.
I got up, went into her office, apologized and asked for her forgiveness. As she said “yes”, I could visually see the stress flow out of her shoulders and softness flow into her face. Had I not done that, would she have experienced the freedom to come and talk with me about a problem in the future? I’m not so sure.
Dr. Martin Luther King did a sermon on loving your enemies and he gave us three ways to do that. I think that these three ways also open the door for us to forgive;
1. Develop the capacity to forgive–not that we ignore the wrong done against us, but we don’t allow the wrong to become a wall in the relationship. Often, forgiveness can strengthen the relationship.
2. Recognize that the other person’s wrong is not their identity, it’s their behavior. This is a big one, I think. None of us practices perfect behavior all of the time.
3. Seek first to understand where they are coming from and why–not to humiliate. It may give us a different perspective into their wrong doing.
Forgiveness doesn’t ever seem easy. Our pride or self-esteem has been hurt and the urge to retaliate for the inflicted pain is human. Maybe we’ve lost something we value, or expectations or dreams are disappointed. Often, it takes time to come to that point, but the quicker we forgive the faster we can move on. It is always worth the effort.
Still learning,
Jan
Jan McDonald
John Maxwell Team
(still CEO of Life Options)
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